Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

DIVORCE RATES DIVING?

Saturday, August 31st, 2019

I know what you are thinking, and I can already say that this trend occurs likely not for the reasons you may imagine. Unless you are a sociologist or simply very in-tune with social trends, it may surprise you that the real reasons, or at least the primary drivers of this trend, are not so obvious until we look at ourselves, our friends, and our families.

So many of the younger generation suffered through their parents’ divorces. They witnessed first-hand the turmoil and confusion that impacts everyone involved. They were often more victimized by their parents’ tit-for-tat than the parents themselves. Divorce is significantly stressful for kids. They become front and center in the turmoil. It should come as no surprise that they are more apt to wait before tying the knot. We certainly cannot blame them.

There is also a second driver of divorce rates diving. Millenials are not as financially well-off as their parents were at the same age. Although incomes may be similar (adjusted for inflation), costs of living are much higher. They are purchasing homes much later, have less money in the bank, and upward trending daily expenses. When you hear about inflation in our country hovering between 2 and 3 percent, ask yourself if things you buy on a daily basis (consumer goods) do not seem to have skyrocketed in price in the past decade. It sure feels that way to me.

Another factor lesser discussed has driven the divorce rate down. Here it is: People simply aren’t getting married at the rate they did in the past. I ran a simple Google search of “marriage and divorce rates U.S.”, and the results were surprisingly dramatic. If you click on “images” at the top results bar, you can visualize the strong trend in several telling graphs and charts. It seems to me that after World War II, young men returning home in droves altered our societal landscape. They were eager to start lives and have families. Their children were generally born in the mid 1950’s until the early 1970’s. Those former children are now in their fifties and even late sixties. Time sure does fly. Many (most) of you reading this are their kids. Theirs was a great generation in a very different time.

I also see the impact of social media, a term unknown to our dad, mom, aunts and uncles. They did not know that it would ever dominate our society the way it does today. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and so many others consume our daily lives. I believe they are great tools when used for the right reasons, but our communication with others we hardly know can also interfere with our most personal relationships.

We, as a country, have pushed the limits of change in so many ways. Time spent with family is too easily frittered away. Bank accounts are stretched to their limits. Daily pressures are at an all time high, and memories of being a child trapped in the eye of a stormy divorce still linger.

In the end, the best ways to avoid a divorce are more obvious than you realize. Sometimes we simply need to be reminded of what we already know.

Matthew Poole is a single father and Jackson, Mississippi Family Attorney. He was admitted to practice in 2004.

Second and Third Marriages, an Uphill Battle

Friday, August 16th, 2019

It is relatively well-known that all time divorce rates (overall, not for a specific time period) generally hover around 40-45%.  National statistics indicate that 1st marriages have an all-time divorce rate of 42%, (and 49% in 2018). Second marriages have an overall divorce rate of 60%, and 3rd marriages’ rate of marital dissolution is a staggering 73% since the time this country began taking statistics in the mid 1920’s, and they are slowly creeping upward.  Why is it that subsequent marriages are so difficult, even more than the first? There are never simple answers, but there are several observations that may explain this trend.  

Behind every statistic is an underlying cause (or “root” cause as the older generation used to say), and usually the cause is multifaceted.  Not one single factor can be said to contribute to the phenomenon that first marriages are (believe it or not for those of you seeking divorce) more likely to succeed than a marriage after a divorce or multiple divorces.  The message I would like to convey to those of you seeking a divorce is best said by remembering the old saying “the grass is always greener on the other side”. 

My observation is simple….those who abruptly sever marital bonds are essentially more likely to fail for their inability to stand firm with the partner they chose in youth, therefore complicating their lives.  The complexity of any social interaction is a strong predictor of the likelihood of its failure. Simplicity is not always a bad thing, a concept that is often lost in an era when we seek the newest, most complex, difficult to engineer piece of smart device in our cars, homes, and lives.  We live in a society that prefers to throw the broken away and replace it rather than considering whether a fix is possible.

When I first began my legal career as an attorney in 2004, the head of my division told me on the first day, “Matthew, we follow the kiss method here, which means we keep it simple stupid”. Those words are not only important in litigation, they are tantamount to a lynchpin in marriage.  If you realize that life complexity will likely cause future dramatics, you have already made the first step to saving a broken marriage or making a good decision to re-marry. When people marry and have pre-existing legal obligations from a prior marriage such as child support, alimony, and visitation or custody issues in-tow, they have complicated their lives significantly with a remarriage.  Wiping the slate clean is seldom a possibility because our lives are complex, and so are our relationships.  

In sum, it appears to me that the more social issues one has to deal with, the more likelihood of divorce.  A system that has more moving parts has more parts that may break. Marriage is no different. I want to make very clear that there is always hope, but to any person considering a divorce, please know that it does not get easier the second time around.  If you do divorce and look to be remarried, consider all of the complexities you will both bring to your second or third marriage, lay them all out on the proverbial table with honesty, and have a simple, clear gameplan to deal with the challenges ahead.  It is very much an uphill battle, but it can be won. However, in the end, maybe simple really is better.

Matthew Poole is a Jackson, Mississippi Domestic Attorney and single father.  He was admitted to the Mississippi Bar in 2004.

The Zen of Marriage and Divorce?

Wednesday, August 14th, 2019

Years ago when I was in high school, the alternative rock band Bush had a song called “everything zen” that was popular amongst teens and twenty-somethings in an era dominated by the likes of Pearl Jam and Soundgarden.  Its seems like a million eons back to me at this point.  The song was my first introduction to the concept of zen, and I had absolutely no clue what in the world “zen” was.  After studying the zen philosophy and practicing divorce law for close to 2 decades, Bush had it right, everything is zen…even marriage and divorce.

If you want a quick description of my interpretation of zen, it is well summed with an acceptance of a concept embodied in a popular zen quote, which reads “the delusion of humanity is to believe that I am in here and you are out there”.  What is good for your spouse is most likely good for you and your children.  Your well being and their well being are actually, believe it or not, the same thing.  Marriages often fail because of the inability of one or both parties to recognize that their happiness is to the benefit of their spouse.  Many conceptual similarities are found in the reading of the Holy Bible.

This will be a short blog simply because it is confusing.  It requires some degree of taking everything you thought you knew and forgetting it all.  We are all selfish to some extent or another.  Letting go of that is the only thing that will make your marriage last. 

My advice to you if you are considering a divorce is to be the one who sees your equality in marriage.  If you let your guard down, take a leap of faith, remember the words spoken in your vows, you have done all you can and have earned a divorce.  You cannot control others, so start with YOU first.  In the words of Bush, everything is truly, well, zen.  If it does not work and divorce is inevitable, call or email us anytime.

Matthew Poole is a Jackson, Mississippi Domestic Lawyer and a Single Father

Through the Eyes of a Child; Divorce Life Lessons

Friday, July 20th, 2018

It is all too common that we forget the smallest things in life, sometimes to our detriment. More often than not, forgetting the simple is counter-productive. Going through a divorce, it is usually the best path forward to revert to the basic that you know with certainty. Attempting to preserve your marriage requires the same thinking.

When Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, arguably the best basketball player, if not athlete of all time, was inducted into the Hall of Fame, he spoke true words of wisdom. When asked by a nationally renowned reporter, “What made you so successful?”, the great said simply, “I just try to do the little things right. To most people it seems like small stuff, but it often makes the difference between winning and losing”. Well said.

We’ve written so many articles about the best approach to get a fair and just result when going through a divorce. We decided it would be refreshing to write on a related topic; a topic intended to assist people in preserving their marriage. This may have lifelong implications for children and is so important to our society. And yes, we are aware of the irony of the article as written by a divorce lawyer.

It is absolutely fundamental that we must work to recognize the concept that Robert Fulgham advanced in his famous book, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”. It is necessary to our happiness as well as the well-being of those we care about that we remember the lessons learned as children, and some of them are so simple that they are easily forgotten; be nice to others, don’t hit people, remember to pick up after yourself, work hard, pay attention, and the list goes on as such. These are such simple concepts that in our everyday lives their importance often gets lost in the clutter. That is a true tragedy.

So many adults could bring happiness to not only themselves but their spouse, who is a reflection of themself, and also most importantly to their children by simply remembering the lessons we learned so many years ago.

My office regularly receives calls from prospective divorcees seeking information as to how to obtain a divorce. It is amazing to me that so many people will have failed to even have a discussion with their spouse about whether or not a divorce is a good idea for either spouse. It is my firm belief that this world would be such a better place if we considered others’ feelings, our childrens’ well-being, and the happiness of the one we married as a paramount concern. They are too easily forgotten and brushed aside.

If I may leave you with a simple piece of modest wisdom, ask yourself if you have fulfilled your marital vows, if you have considered your children’s future thoroughly before even contemplating severing the bonds you made in matrimony. Ask yourself through the eyes of a child. If you have truly exhausted all possibilities and are still unhappy in your marriage, you may have very well earned your way out of a bad place. If my office can help you receive justice and fairness as a last resort in the severance of your marriage, give us a call.

Matthew Poole is a Jackson, Mississippi family attorney who is focused on the preservation of fairness and justice and the best interests of children. He was admitted to practice in 2004.

To Move or Not to Move; The Million-Dollar Question

Wednesday, July 4th, 2018

Our office frequently receives questions from both clients and curious would-be custody litigants as to whether moving from Mississippi will adversely impact their custody case and the corresponding rights they have to custody of their children. As expected, there is no simple answer to complex problems that life often presents parents and child custodians. However, a brief review of the applicable law does shed much-needed light into the darkness that accompanies ignorance of Mississippi custody law.

One can refer to the phenomenon as “home court advantage” or “home state preference”, but at the end of the day, the label is not what defines impact on parents’ and childrens’ lives. When a parent moves outside of Mississippi, the million-dollar question is always whether that move will trigger a potential modification of custody of the child/children. Our analysis and estimation of legal ramifications of moving must begin with the few things we can know with certainty. I will begin by stating with zero equivocation that I have recently seen a dramatic increase in litigation wherein the custodial parent moves far away from Mississippi.

The well-settled standard for modification of physical custody of a minor child (or multiple children) is relatively straightforward on its face: when custody has been awarded to one parent (by a court of competent jurisdiction) modification will be allowed ONLY upon a showing of:

1. A material change of circumstance—to be distinguished from a mere change which is not evocative of the well being of the children involved.

2. The material change in circumstance must demonstratively adversely affect the welfare of the child/children.

3. That a change in custody must be in the best interests of the child/children. {Polk v. Polk, 589 So.2d 123 (Miss. 1991), Pace v. Owens, 511 So. 2d 489 (Miss 1987)}. In Pace, the Supreme Court mandated that Chancellors make specific findings of fact in support of any decision to modify physical custody of children. All three prongs above must be addressed with specificity in the official court record.

It is notable that the standard for modification of custodial rights is applied in a different manner wherein the parents have joint physical custody and one parent makes a unilateral decision to leave Mississippi’s jurisdiction. The burden of the remaining parent is thereby reduced and there is no longer a requirement that proof demonstrate an adverse affect on the children, thereby prong #2 above would be null and void under these circumstances. McKree v. McKree, 486 So. 2d (Miss Ct. App. 1998).

So the answer to our query is well settled? Not so fast. It appears to myself and my clerk, the Honorable Kenneth Davis, Esq., that Chancellors across our great state have significant leeway and remarkable discretion in making determinations as to whether the “trigger” of modification of custody has been met, thus allowing a parent remaining in our state to initiate a well-founded claim for custody modification. Can the move of a custodial parent meet the threshold burden bestowed upon a non-custodial parent to achieve modification child custody? The best answer is probably, but not certainly. Most important is to recall that the POLESTAR (most important) consideration for any Chancellor is what is best for a child {Albight v. Albright, 437 So. 2d 1003. (Miss. 1983)}. See also Miss Code Ann. §93-5-24 (1972, as amended). The totality of circumstances will dictate the outcome in the vast majority of domestic litigation. It is reasonable and understandable that litigants want clarity and desire certainty. Finality is incredibly valuable. However, would-be litigants that are able to appreciate the big picture and viewpoint of Chancellors (who are the “super-guardian” of all children in their respective jurisdictions) and the subjective elements are most often successful in navigating treacherous child-custody matters.

I have 14 years of experience in domestic litigation and can say without shame that clear answers are often elusive. There is a best path forward in any family issue that you are facing, and my staff and I are dedicated to fight to vindicate your custodial rights. While there may be no simple answer, the path forward is always based in love for your children and a deep desire to impact their well-being in a meaningful and permanent way. It can be done. Where there is a will, THERE IS A WAY.

Matthew Poole is a Jackson, Mississippi domestic relations attorney with 14 years of determined focus in family law and domestic litigation with an emphasis on case evaluation and analysis.

Best Quick Tips in a Contested Divorce

Wednesday, June 27th, 2018

If you are going through a fault-based divorce, you already realize that it can be a cumbersome and frustrating process. In 14 years of practice, it never has ceased to amaze me that potential divorcees so often greatly underestimate the burden, stress level, and emotional turmoil that divorce causes, particularly when child custody is a hotly contested item. Gone are the days of simplicity in domestic separation. In our modern world, husbands are by far more likely to seek custody of children and raise fault grounds against their wives. Also, it is fundamental to understand the importance of shifting family dynamics. Now it is not uncommon to have a stay-at-home husband and a professional wife who has supplanted the traditional husband’s role. I have compiled a short list of simple advice that can save you time, legal fees, and stress that accompanies each and every contested divorce (particularly those that impact the innocent lives involved–your children).

Make sure you keep up with your witness’s phone numbers and addresses. Also, if you are aware of any social media accounts (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Google Plus, etc.) or website information pertaining to your spouse, obtain as much information as possible. If you expect your lawyer to locate these for you, be prepared to see additional legal fees.

DO NOT throw away any bank, credit card, tax, investment, or retirement account information. It is easy to hide and can vastly increase the cost and burden of divorce.

If you are in a violent relationship, seek to record any conversations/events that will prove this to the court. Also, make sure you back them up in at least one other device.

Consider hiring a private investigator. Their hourly rates are often cheaper by far than even the least expensive attorney. If you need to access a good one, call me.

Don’t let your emotions get the better of you. Fear, anger, disappointment, and grief are usually present to one extent or another in any divorce.

Don’t assume that you are not entitled to some form of alimony, be it lump-sum, reimbursement, periodic, or rehabilitative. Speak to an experienced attorney as to whether you have a valid claim.

Don’t discuss in any negative way your frustrations with your children; it will most likely bite you. Kids are innocent and have no place involved, no matter how tempting it may be.

Please contact us if you would like to discuss any custody, asset distribution, or alimony-related matter and rest assured we will turn over every stone, leaving none unturned, to your advantage. I have 14 years of experience of focused practice in domestic relations law and can help you determine the best path forward and through these stressful situations.

Matthew Poole is a Jackson, Mississippi domestic relations attorney with 14 years of focused experience in family law with an emphasis on litigation and case assessment.

 

Why Women No Longer Want to be Wives

Wednesday, June 13th, 2018

Should a husband say: “this is my wife, Jessica” or “this is Jessica, my wife?” The debate over this question has largely become irrelevant, as it is now normal for people to say that they don’t want to get married or that they don’t know whether they do or not. In fact, studies from Pew Research Center show that one in four parents in the United States have kids outside of marriage. Considering the common knowledge that approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce, it is understandable that the thought of getting married would cause someone to fear a complicated and stressful separation in the future. Although the possible reasons are infinite, understanding why women initiate divorce more often than men may help to explain the recent avoidance of marriage in general.

According to a study conducted by Michael J. Rosenfeld, an associate professor of sociology at Stanford University, social scientists have proposed several theories to explain why women initiate divorce at a much higher rate than men. The primary theory is that women may be more attune to relationship difficulties and leave a partner when they believe the issues will require significant action to resolve. However, Rosenfeld argues this explanation is not sufficient according to his research as published by the American Sociological Association. Data taken from the national “How Couples Meet and Stay Together” survey from 2009 to 2015 shows that men and women initiate break-ups equally in non-marital relationships, but women initiate 69% of all divorces. Rosenfeld argues that if the sensitivity theory were true then studies would show women initiating break-ups in non-marital relationships as often as in marital relationships (being equally as dissatisfied), but his data proves this far from the case.

Another suggestion explaining why someone chooses to end a marital relationship is the power-differential theory, which states that the spouse with better prospects beyond the current relationship is more likely to file for divorce. This theory is actually counter-intuitive to the proven statistic that women initiate divorce more than men. Husbands are usually older and have traditionally higher incomes than their wives. Studies also show that single men become more attractive to others as they age, whereas single women decline in attractiveness to others as they age. Therefore, this theory suggests that men typically have the “power” in a marital relationship and better prospects following a divorce. If this theory were accurate, men should initiate the greater amount of divorces as time in a relationship passes. Some social scientists twist this theory to suggest that it is actually the lack of power to voice dissatisfaction with a marital relationship driving women to initiate more divorces. However, prior research on this failed to distinguish divorces initiated by the husband from those initiated by the wife. Although Rosenfeld does not believe the power-differential theory accurately describes why women initiate divorce at a higher rate than men, the lack of power suggestion is actually close to his proposition.

Rosenfeld advocates for the theory that the marital institution has been viewed by society as having incredibly asymmetric gender roles for so long that women now dislike the idea of marriage as a whole. The historic notion that a wife’s only purpose is to cook, clean, and take care of children may lead women to assume that their potential and value in a marital relationship is severely limited. Rosenfeld’s theory aligns with many feminists who suggest that these traditional roles still exist because heterosexual couples are especially likely to marry if the man has high earnings. Also, they call attention to the fact that women still adopt men’s surnames even though laws requiring this came to an end in the 1970’s. Regardless of your position on this controversial subject, it is not difficult to see the connection between women who believe that marriage is an oppressive institution and women who initiate divorce. This theory also helps to explain the general apprehension regarding marital commitments and the increased number of children born to unmarried couples.

These reasons women may initiate divorce much more often than men certainly do not account for every instance, but it definitely presents a challenging consideration regarding the fear of marriage. However, maintaining a healthy dose of caution when entering a marital commitment is probably smart in light of divorce statistics. It is also important to note that signing a “prenup” may help to alleviate some of the anxiety surrounding marriage. Although prenuptial agreements are often perceived to be “dooming” a marriage before it even begins, making this agreement may actually offset divorce fears and prevent stress from ruining your joyous occasion.

The Law Office of Matthew S. Poole is well-seasoned to handle divorce and other family law cases. If you have any questions or are in need of an attorney, please don’t hesitate to call us. We would love to help.

Written by Jessica Jasper, J.D. Candidate, Class of 2020, Mississippi College School of Law

Annulments: What They Are and What They Aren’t

Monday, April 9th, 2018

An annulment is an interesting way to sever a relationship that may resemble a divorce in some regards, but is actually quite different. Our office receives many calls asking how to get an annulment, when maybe that person only has divorce to look to for relief. While a divorce severs a valid marriage, an annulment states that the marriage in question was never valid for a reason that existed at the time of the marriage. Annulments can be difficult to obtain, as there are only limited circumstances in which a Mississippi court will grant one. Time plays a factor as well, as a suit for an annulment must be brought within 6 months after the ground for annulment is or should be discovered.

Mississippi law states that a marriage is deemed valid if there is solemnization (a ceremony) and a proper license. When two people decide quickly to get married without any input or help from others, these are easy things to gloss over, especially in the rush and excitement of saying “I do.” A “marriage” with only one of these requirements met will not meet Mississippi’s standards, and therefore a marriage was never legally formed.

Of course, certain marriage even with these requirements met may not be considered valid under any circumstances, as in the case of bigamy or incest to a certain degree, and does not have to be brought within 6 months of the formation of the “marriage.” Dissolving a marriage involving either of those grounds simply requires a petition to the proper court by either of the parties along with sufficient proof. The other grounds for annulment in Mississippi are incurable impotency, adjudicated mental illness or incompetence of one or both of the parties, the parties being too young, pregnancy of the wife by another person if the husband did not know of the pregnancy, or where a party’s consent to the marriage was achieved through force or fraud. In other words, informed consent is paramount to any marriage.

As you can see from the limited grounds for annulment in Mississippi, there are many situations where an annulment is not available to the parties, and they will have to pursue a divorce to legally terminate their relationship. A common misconception that we hear is that because a marriage was short, then the parties can get an annulment instead of a divorce. While marriages that may be properly annulled by Mississippi courts are often short, the length of the marriage by itself is not enough for an annulment.

Annulments are an interesting creature of domestic relations law and can be confusing and difficult to pursue. If you believe you may have a ground for an annulment that can help you avoid a long and costly divorce, call the Law Office of Matthew S. Poole. We have experience in making the determination as to whether a marriage can be rendered moot and can be considered to have never existed, whether an annulment is a possible remedy, or whether divorce is the only avenue.

Twelve and a Half Reasons Why

Monday, April 17th, 2017

A spokesperson for Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant has stated that Bryant will sign into law the proposed amendment to the state’s divorce statute that will allow more divorces in cases of domestic violence. The passing of this bill follows the death of a similar amendment, and the media firestorm that erupted across the state, largely aimed at Representative Andy Gipson (R-Braxton).

As mentioned in our previous article, this amendment adds the language of “including spousal domestic abuse” to the seventh ground for divorce in Mississippi – habitual cruel and inhuman treatment. Another change to current Mississippi divorce law is the ability for the abused spouse to serve as a witness of domestic violence. The burden of proof is high, but when corroborated by scientific or medical evidence, the burden lessens.

The standard of proof passed in this amendment shows the importance of quick action in situations of domestic violence. If you or someone you know experiences domestic violence, seek medical help right away if there are injuries that can be used as evidence. Do not wait for those signs of abuse to fade before seeking help. A bruise or a cut may be the difference between being believed about spousal abuse or being waved off as crying wolf.

This seems like a good measure taken by the Mississippi Legislature. It allows spouses who need to leave a marriage to do so easier than before, while still providing enough evidentiary standards to prevent fraudulent or spiteful divorces. This gives spouses a better way to leave a dysfunctional marriage, while protecting people’s names and reputations from false attacks and gossip.

Just as important as knowing what this bill changes is what it has no effect on. The behavior behind a habitual cruel and inhuman treatment claim must still rise above mere unkindness, rudeness, or want of affection. Two spouses simply not getting along is still not grounds for a divorce in Mississippi unless brought through the completely agreed upon route of irreconcilable differences. While this amendment does make divorces easier to obtain through habitual cruel and inhuman treatment, the other grounds are not affected, and divorces can still be difficult to obtain in Mississippi.

We tell our clients this because our firm believes in giving clients realistic expectations about the reality of their case. Mississippians, and legal clients in every state, deserve to be told the truth, and deserve the hardest work that can be provided to them. Our office understands that divorce can be a scary thing. We are here to serve you through that dark hour. If you or someone you know experiences domestic violence or any other recognized ground for divorce in Mississippi, we encourage you to seek legal help, and our office will be happy to serve you in any way possible.