Archive for the ‘What Kids Need…The Court’s Role’ Category

What Kids Need…The Court’s Role

Thursday, January 30th, 2020

Why is it that so many of us have difficulty getting along with our exes?  Is there a way to move beyond the struggles we face in attempting to co-parent?  It seems clear that many of us let emotion get in the way of what is best for our kids.  Oftentimes we forget that children do not understand adult problems.  All that they see is two parents who fight and fuss at the drop of a hat.  So, what are the remedies to this corrosive behavior that impacts the little ones so negatively?  There is no magical panacea, but after managing close to 1,500 domestic custody matters in the past two decades, I have a few ideas that hopefully will help.

I want to state up-front that the vast majority of the people reading this are concerned for what is best for their child or children.  Thank you for that, they will reap the rewards of your care and concern.  It is all too easy to get caught up in the fray with an ex, to fight and fuss over even the petty things.  How many times have you lost your cool and it affected your child?  It happens…even to good people.  Is there some way to bury the negativity you harbor toward the ex?  Let me start by saying that our focus has to be on the little ones…they did not ask to be brought into a tumultuous situation.  They have zero grasp of adult relationships…and they deserve peace and innocence in childhood.  When they become adults, all of the beauty of innocence disappears.

When attempting to co-parent with an ex, even if you have primary custody, make sure that you value their role in your child’s upbringing.  You do not have to put them on a throne, but realize that your exes’ sense of self-worth is reflected upon the child.  Remember that severe parental alienation is ground for a change in custody of a child (Mississippi began this practice as early as 2013 and it has been upheld by the appellate courts).  No matter your feelings toward the ex, make sure you are a beacon of hope, positivity, and happiness for your child.  No kid wants to believe that one of their halves is worthless.  It reflects on their own sense of self-worth. 

Here is my short list of ways to de-escalate the tension that will ultimately hurt your child.

  1. When the conversation between you and the ex turns into something unrelated to the kids, remind them that your concern is child-centric…not about past events that you both recall.

  2. If voices are raised, remain calm.  Do not fight fire with fire.  It is better fought with water.

  3. Keep in touch with your ex about the child’s grades, behavior, and school programs.  It may seem like a minor thing to you, but these acts show respect for the child’s co-creator and benefits both.

  4. Remember that your child loves without the judgment of an adult and that their other parent needs to be a source of positivity…you can make that happen with a firm deliverance of assuring that you value their role in your child’s life.

  5. Always keep your child aware that they can call their dad/mom at any time if they want an ear to lean upon.  They will ultimately benefit from the unfettered communication.  We all need it at some place and time.

In short, the court will be glad to see a source of positivity in the sea of hate that they swim through on a daily basis.  It isn’t difficult to be a shining light in the dark of custody litigation.  Simply keeping priorities in order and demonstrated are not complex tasks.  Any chancery judge in Mississippi will be happy to see that not all litigants are angry, even vindictive.  That mindset goes a long way and is the path to getting a great result from your local child custody judge.  Don’t ever forget that your child is more than your flesh and blood.  You are their mentor, teacher, and best friend.  It may take a village to raise one, but it takes a strong parent to create a strong future leader.