Archive for the ‘Married and Mourning? Consider This First’ Category

Married and Mourning? Consider This First

Monday, November 11th, 2019

Sociologist Linda J. Waite and several contributing authors wrote a peer-reviewed study looking at several assumptions about happiness before and after dissolution of marriages that were deemed to be unhappy by the study participants…both women and men. It is 44 pages long and exhaustively looks at a variety of issues anyone contemplating divorce should consider. It is published by the American Institute of Family Values and can be downloaded from their site as a pdf. file. The article title is “Does Divorce Make People Happy?”. Googling the title and author will be worth your time if you are considering a divorce. It is the best in terms of both randomization and completion that I have seen to date for a variety of reasons.

One narrative that has been often floated in modern society and media is that women tend to be happier than men after divorce and tend to be more likely to remarry. There is some related information published by authors of smaller case studies than the Linda Waite study I reviewed over the weekend. The case in point looks at over 10,000 divorces…by far the most I have seen examined and followed up upon yet. Many of the other surveys utilized much smaller statistical samples, some even less than 800 couples.

I am no statistical genius, but I do know that larger randomized samples are more reliable. Of course, the manner in which the questions are asked also creates some interesting disparity and issues regarding the quality of random samples. For instance, if we pulled a sample from only New York City, the study is flawed and so are the conclusions. That is not a representation of all marriage…the geography imparts social values that are unique by law and culture. Statisticians consider this need for actual randomization crucial to the Z Factor and other measures of the strength of a correlation.

I suppose many would argue that imparting a person’s gender into this conversation is irrelevant, but I disagree. I firmly believe that men and women most often bring very different mindsets into the divorce process. Their results often vary based upon child-rearing and income as well. Although no two cases are exactly alike, the theory that women are happier and that their ex-husbands are more likely to be miserable seems a bit suspect. Both tend to suffer at a nearly equal rate after divorce in my experience.

After looking at Ms. Waite’s extensive work in detail, it is more clear to me that two conclusions can be drawn.

Conclusion 1

Very few people of either sex are extremely happy with their decision to divorce. Most often there is some degree of second-guessing that occurs and the level of doubt truly runs the gamut. Happiness is not easily attained by divorce alone. Constrained finances, increase in cost of living, and, as a truism, two really can live cheaper than one are in play. Also, sharing the kids and the associated expense is not exactly an easy task.

Conclusion 2

There is little difference, if any, related to gender. In other words, the narrative that women move on more easily is not well-substantiated by this enormous study.

I wish I had a clear answer as to why the differences in the data are often so glaring. It seems to me that some of the studies which are not reviewed by peers are questionable. Some even seem to encourage divorce for women. I have yet to find any similar studies finding that men move on more easily. It is truly puzzling. Although I am not sure that the studies indicating women happiness after marriage are what Trump would call “fake news”, there are certainly some yellow (maybe even red) flags to recognize.

In the end, it seems to me that divorce is far too personal and complex to allow people who do not know you intimately give their opinions without scrutiny. If an article/study seems to have an agenda, be cautious. If an attorney appears willing to push you in the direction of divorce, trust your instincts first. It is always easy to seek support and comfort in this difficult time, but do not forget that you are still most likely vulnerable and open to suggestion more than you are in a calm state of mind.

Encouraging or glorifying divorce is almost never the right way forward. Sometimes it is simply a last resort to protect the happiness of both you and your children. The best, most reliable social science has only one agenda…not having an agenda at all.