Beware of the Third Adult

Divorce is never easy. This could be the “Captain Obvious” statement of the year. No one ever gets married thinking “the divorce from this person will be painless.” Of course not-people don’t get married with the thought going into it that divorce is inevitable. In fact, there are several clients at the Matthew S. Poole law firm that have declared Pre-Nuptial agreement was not contemplated prior to marriage because the dissolution of the marriage was unthinkable. “No way will we ever be divorced!” Sound familiar? Of course it does. You and I either are those people or we know people who come to mind immediately. And so I will repeat myself: Divorce is never easy.

No matter the reason for the divorce, there is always a recovery period for each party. Often times an ex-husband busies himself with his work, or an ex-wife occupies her time with the kids, perhaps one moves away to be closer to their family, or takes a new job. Personal feelings change and may also stay stagnant as life moves on ever so constantly. Everything is fine…until that fateful day that the ex meets that new someone else. I’ll call them the “third adult”.

As the title of this article suggests, I am not a proponent of the third adult in terms of the impact on children. I am also not a big fan of the forth adult. They are the people who make a family lawyer’s practice thrive. They are the new love, the new “voice of reason”, at least hopefully. The third and forth adults in this equation are the new people that one meets and begin a new and, hopefully, lasting relationship with. And they always have a different agenda than yours of just a few short years ago. That is, the new love interest comes into your life and, more importantly, the lives of your children, with a new and different set of priorities. BEWARE.

Beware does not mean steer-clear forever, but proceeding with caution. Beware from this writer’s point of view does not mean that meeting someone new and falling in love and starting fresh is inherently bad. Beware means please keep in mind the best interests of your children, as the new person in your life may not have adhere to these same priorities. All of a sudden there are yours, mine, ours, his, theirs, etc…. the already disjointed family dynamic takes on a whole new twist. Invariably what may have been an uncomfortable, awkward and time consuming holiday transfer of the children can become an all-out “battle royale” to determine at whose house Santa actually comes. Summer vacations become a contest instead of a relaxing time.

Your new significant other may not appreciate your child support obligation as a legal mandate. They may want to spend that “wasted money” on a new car. Your budget may not allow for all things that everyone wants and needs, and it’s always easier to appease the voice that is closest to your ear. Don’t fall into this trap! Not only is it the beginning of the next round of Contempt filings in Court, but it is not fair to your kids. Be cognizant of your children, their needs, and your legal and moral obligations to them. Also, your ex is the parent of you children and, in most cases, is not your enemy. Your divorce notwithstanding, you have a common goal: to raise your children to be happy (as happy as they can be)…to become well adjusted adults who thrive in their own lives, despite your own shortcomings. Don’t allow the new person in your life to negatively impact your role.

Let me now take a bit of the sting off of the harsh realities presented here. So far, all that I have stated is that the new person in your life is no good, all bad, not welcomed. Please understand that I am not at all suggesting that people who are divorced should not seek to find love and happiness in their lives. Nothing could be further from the truth. Happiness is (or should be) the ultimate goal for all of us. In fact, my children would both readily tell you that my only wish for them in their lives is for them to be happy. (Full disclosure: I am thrilled that my daughter is happy living in Denver, Colorado, despite the fact that it makes me quite unhappy that she lives so far away and I only get to see her twice a year…the fact is that her happiness is not contingent on my happiness.) I am, therefore, urging you parents of broken families to simply consider your children, and their happiness, before you put your own wants and needs, and especially the wants and needs of your new love intetests, at the forefront.

This article is meant to warn you against placing new priorities, because of new people in your life, where they are not proper. The theme of this article is consistent with my other offerings: keep the welfare, best interests and overall protection of your children as your top priorities, no matter in what new situation you find yourself. To do otherwise is, by definition, contrary to the best interests of your children. The law always values and encourages parental involvement and the bonds that come from interpersonal ties, as it should.

I will make clear to include more subtle points of law in my next addition and I hope you will read as I expound on this subject: Child Custody Modification.

Michael Louvier: B.S. University of New Orleans (1988), J.D. Mississippi College School of Law (1994)

Tags: , , , ,